We are commanded in Parashat Kedoshim, the second of the two parshiot to be read this week:(19:17)”You shall not hate your brother in your heart הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך: you shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin on his account”.
The Gemara brings the views of three Sages (Arakhin 16:) as to this Mitzvah. Let us focus on the view of Rabbi Tarfon:”Said Rabbi Tarfon: תמה אני: I would be amazed, if there is any person in this generation who will accept rebuke if you say to him:”remove the splint of wood from between your teeth, he will answer:you, remove the beam from between your eyes”.
The Maharal explains this seemingly obtuse passage:”The rebuke of “the splint between your teeth”, alludes to a minor transgression, which, because it is “concealed”, may have escaped the person rebuked he responds: before you reproach me for this “concealed” transgression, first clear yourself of the much greater transgression that you have committed, which can be likened, in severity, to “a beam between your eyes”, being obvious to all”.
Rav Yaakov Ettinger comments:”Rav Tarfon here teaches that, the reason rebuke is not accepted, is because the one rebuking is himself not clear of sin, and meriting that others will accept rebuke from him , for, when he seeks to rebuke others, they will say to him: before you rebuke me: improve your own ways”.
“Therefore, the rebuker should first קשוט עצמו: “adorn himself”, by cleansing himself of transgressions , and only then קשוט אחרים: seek to “adorn others”, by adjuring them to repent their transgressions.
“Shlomo Hamelech, the wisest of men, teaches us this principle, in a beautiful Proverb:(24:27)”Put your outdoor work in order, and get your fields ready after that build your house”- meaning:When you seek to “build your house”, by bringing transgressons to return to their Heavenly Father: “your outdoor work”, first “get your fields ready”: cleanse yourself of any transgressions, so that all can see that you are clean of sin, as only then, will you be able to “build your house: that your rebuke will be heeded.”
The Ben Ish Hai adds:”Before you seek to rebuke your fellow man, for slights you perceive he committed against you, why do you not first examine yourself, as to any offence you may have committed against your Creator, by transgressing His will!
“This is alluded to in the duplication of the words הוכח תוכיח in our passuk: meaning, when you come to rebuke another, for an offence he may have committed against you, or to your honor, and your ire is raised against him, first “rebuke” yourself for the matters between you and Hashem, and contemplate how many times you have transgressed – only then, consider “rebuking”” whoever may have offended against you, as then you will assuredly forgive him, realizing, that if you seek to repay him for his offence against you, how much more are you deserving of punishment from Hashem for your offences against Him.”
Rav Elya Lopian finds an aid to this mussar, in the words of our passuk, the word את in our passuk:”הוכח תוכיח את עמית, is “superflous”, as this word could have been omitted, without affecting our understanding of the Mitzvah.
“It therefore is “open” for exposition, and comes to teach that the one who seeks to rebuke is “included” in “you shall surely rebuke”, to add to those who are to be rebuked – the “additional” one being the one who seeks to rebuke: he should first “rebuke” himself, and only then may he rebuke others.”
The Malbim, in his golden words, summarizes: Each of the three sages in the Gemara from which we brought Rabbi Tarfon”s view, “emphasized a different issues which might lead to refusal to heed rebuke – the first of these, is that which Rabbi Tarfon proffers: how would one expect that his rebuke will be accepted, when he himself is not clean of sin, and himself deserving of rebuke?!”
A parting insight from Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch:”The person to be rebuked, is called in our passuk עמיתך:”your fellow”, from which we learn that, in rebuking another, the rebuke is to be clean of any sense of superiority is to be performed in a manner that makes the person rebuked feel that it is delivered in a spirit of amity, between equals, and only because Hashem commanded it.”
לרפואת נועם עליזה בת זהבה רבקה ונחום אלימלך רפאל בן זהבה רבקה, בתוך שאר חולי עמנו.
